Has Hans done an Elvis?

Consonant reader,

I hope I'm not the only one here to voice my concern about Hans.

He's not blogged in ages. I'm thinking the worst, I hope he's ok.

Hans, if yer out there, throw us a frickin' bone!

B x.

Wouldn't you believe it, it's just my luck! -NO RECESS!

Consonant reader,

Today was my first day back at school. I'll only be there for two weeks, so really only for 10 days, and I've just done 1 day, so 9 left in actual fact! ..Not bad, not bad at all.

Plus I'm getting paid. I know, I know... I've been bitching and moaning about the whole money thing but I think I've been entitled to an ickle whinging here and there. Anyway, I spoke to a teacher who was in my position this time last year and she said she got paid pretty much straightaway after her pre- summer stint at the school, so good news there.

Coming back to the school was a weird feeling. Before, I'd been there as a student, not as a qualified teacher. This time around it felt a lot different. I know that this next year will be my first and most important year as an NQT (Newly Qualified Teacher, or as I like to call it, Nearly Qualified Teacher), but I've made it past the most crucial and demanding stage. From here on in it gets a lot, well, not easier, but simpler. No more college work hanging over my head or any bullshit observations and targets to reach. Anything like that now counts for my professional development. Plus I know I'm there to teach , not to be a secondary figure in the classroom.

I noticed a difference in the way people treated me, not a massive difference, but definitely a feeling of acceptance into the school. It was a nice feeling, and a lot of staff were saying how nice it was to have me back. It made me feel very humbled, and I think I'm really going to enjoy the next year there both with my department and the rest of the staff and, of course, most importantly the kids.

Next Thursday I'll be going to a Year 6 parents evening where I'll get to meet the 'next generation', and also my prospective form group (Yes folks, Bonobo will be in charge of making sure some Year 7 kids have a smooth transgression into the big school). This same evening will entail introducing myself to the kids and their parents- which is only fair, as I'll be looking after them for the next X amount of years, dealing with any issues they might have and generally, acting like a strict Santa Claus.

"Detention! Ho ho ho!"

P.S. For all you muso's out there, I have a box of empty champagne bottles, a wax figure of Howard The Duck and 2 tickets to see Iron Maiden baby, for the one person who can tell me the artist and the song title of the lines of the song in my blog title above...

An extra sausage and your own body weight in freshly mown grass, if you can name the album it comes off too...

B x.

Book of the week

Consonant reader,

I've just finished reading 'The Stainless Steel Rat' by Harry Harrison. Quite good. It would make an interesting film I think.

I'm getting a bit paranoid about books at the moment, in so much as I don't want them to ever run out.

It would be a really shit world we lived in if there were no more books ever made or if in the night all the books got up and left us. I'd be so bored, as I'm sure you would be too.

This fear of text- loss all stems from going to Turkey a few weeks back and reading all my books halfway through the holiday. I approached the whole thing far too fast and ended up with nothing to read. In Turkey, at least where we were staying there were no bookstores, no Waterstones, Ottakars or even a flippin' Woolies. At least I could have bough a magazine.

But no. I ended up reading the back of food labels and even my partners book, over her shoulder which kind of annoyed her. (Theres no 'kind' of, I irritated her to the point of madness). The 4 hour flight back was painful to say the least. I even considered writing a book to while away the hours.

I'm going to Croatia with my family in a few weeks time. This time I've collected a load of books (ammo) to take with me.

The books are on everything from the life and times of Peter Cook, some Stevie King I haven't read which is rare by god ('The Talisman', Black House'), David Nobb's Reggie Perrin books, Richard Adam's 'Shardik'(He who wrote 'Watership Down', bright eyes), some Iain Banks ('The Crow Road', 'Whit') and some Iain M. Banks ('Consider Phlebas'), Glen David Gold's 'Carter Beats the Devil', Louise Wener's 'Goodnight Steve McQueen' (-yes, her from Sleeper), 'The Grapes of Wrath' and Gao Xingjian's 'Soul Mountain'.

Now that should keep me busy.

'The Stainless Steel Rat' was part of that collection, but I've read it now so it goes in the ol' outbox...

...NEXT!!

*the sound of books being mentally devoured*

B x.

Reasons to be cheerful, 1, 2, 3, ,4 and so on

Consonant reader,

Today the sun has been out. This has led to a nationwide panic in so much as many people have become overtly cheerful.

People I previously thought of as dull, apathetic, moody, rude and arrogant have turned out to be the nicest most warmest people on the planet.

Not 2 hours ago I saw a cat and a dog in the street holding rubbing up against each other and barking/ miawing sweet nothings to each other. The clouds even decided to bugger off and let the sunshine cover our blessed country.

The sun even had an effect on me, and I began to inwardly smile, then outwardly smile until I looked like the cheshire cat that got the cream that died of curiousity.

I then began to list those things in life I am really looking forward to in the next year:

1) Seeing Brian Wilson in concert again. The last time I bought a ticket to see him, I lost the fucking ticket, the ticket that cost £50.

2) Star Wars Episode 3- oh man don't get me started.

3) Getting paid again.

4) Finally settling into a state of semi- static-ness, so I don't have to move every year or so and live out of a toilet bag (Its a biiiig toilet bag.)

5) In September the final part of Stephen King's Dark Tower series finally comes to a close. Die- hard fans of King will have been waiting a good 25 years for him to finish this saga, as he started writing it in college and now he's 50 something. Anyway, it promises to be very very good. If you want to know more read it from the start.

6) Just getting a career under my belt, and seeing where it will take me in the future.

7) some more bleedin' barbeques in the garden to really get the most out of the summer!

8) Infact going back to the Brian Wilson thing, ANY gig would be a good thing.

Ah..But then, a twinge of sadness came over me, as I thought of a few bad things, namely

the winter.
Short daylight.
The cold.
The wet.

God, its sounds like an old Hovis commercial, I'll stop there. Anyway, those are only a few bad things which are insignificant to the many wonderful other things going on. "Carpe Diem" as they say in Latin, which means Sieze the Carp in English.

Does anyone else have any reasons to be cheerful they wish to share?

B x.

p.s. Also, I still have not watched one single episode of this years Big Brother. Only through cultural osmosis have I learned there is a girl called Kitten and someone called Nadia and a bloke called Victor. And that there has been some violence recently because I saw a GMTV report on it this morning. But THATS IT. Other than that I have had no need to watch it, and I think I feel better for it.

(Loads of mates have said this years has been the best because theres been boobs in it. ...Batshit!)

Chris Rea's Rhea Career in Korea

Consonant reader,

Next week I begin work. Proper work. Not work of the unpaid kind. Not 'smile-through-it' but-don't get-paid' work. Not any kind of voluntary work in any way, in any shape and certainly in no friggin' form. I, Bonobo, qualified teacher (O praise be) will finally be working for a wage.

Just say it. Go on, say it. Say the word 'wage'. Go on. Wage. W-A-G-E. Even sounds nice doesn't it? So, finally it comes to pass I will be rewarded for my efforts. And yes I will get paid.

Unfortunately, as if to shit on my lovely parade and piss on my bowl of Golden Grahams, there is a catch. The whole 'being paid' thing, the signing of the contracts, the filling out of your payment details into the relevant boxes (Account number- oof yummy, sort code- mmm, bring it on!) have not yet been finalised. With some jobs, the schools want you badly enough that they will spring the contract on you there and then, on the day of the interview. With me, I suppose because I'd already been there as a student, they knew I wasn't going anywhere else and so haven't really pushed the whole 'Lets make sure Bonobo gets paid straightaway' thang.

So, I am getting paid for this gig next week, but just not... instantly. I might have to wait another flucking season before I can see my rewards.

*SIGHS*

This means as well as soon as schools ends, I'm going to have to find a summer job, painting yachts or mowing lawns or taking cats for walks or combing trees or sweeping streets or delivering milk or (hang on, thats a milkman, right?) cleaning bowling balls. Any one of these jobs could be my domain pretty soon. Who knows, I might like it so much, I may keep at it and throw this teaching malarkey in the bin!

Doubt it though.

B x.

(P.S. The blog title just sounded funny when read back- but has little if absolutely no relevance to anything listed above.)

A week of getting roasted

I'm back from the holiday I neglected to tell you all about! Ha ha! They don't call me "All the facts" Bonobo for nothing!

I've spend all of last week in Turkey in the lovely coastal resort of Marmaris. It was a very hot weel but I enjoyed it immensely. I've kept a diary (Its not weird, honest, I've done it lots of times when I've been abroad) about the shenanigans and will transcribe it when I'm more arsed.

Tired, over exposed to sun, wanting bed.

Yours not writing a lot, B x.

I can only disappoint you...

My teaching course.. Well, we all knew it would finish like this...

Let me explain. Yesterday was THE last day of the course, which essentially means if no-one has told you otherwise, you've passed and become a teacher. Cool daddio, no problems there.

The sad fact is, us as students, and the rest of the college to some degree (scuse the pun) have been mucked around by the powers that be. For instance, at the start of our 2nd year, the year that we go into schools, do some teaching, y'know, the year that is actually all about teaching, we were all told very plainly we needed to keep as much evidence as possible of our time at school. This would include meticulous lesson plans, self critical lesson evaluations and lesson observatios by various tutors, mentors and other teachers of note.

On top of that we had a fair amount of hoops to jump through in terms of keeping a development file of our own professional practices within teaching. So, over 2 placements, thats 19 weeks (6 weeks, then 13 weeks) of placements, teaching in umpteen schools around the country we were all keeping a record of our time, writing down everything we could to provide as much evidence as we possibly could.

Yesterday we had to come back to our college (Location will remain anonymous for now..) to show all our evidence. Bear in mind this is on a Friday. And there were students who had their placements in fucking Cornwall! We get into college, ready to go through hours of files and discussion. And our tutor just said he didn't need to see half the stuff we had brought in. A quick glance and then he ticked us off.

It was the biggest anti- climax I think I've ever experienced.

My tutor, it has to be, is the living example of 'unprofessional'. Each month, he has to send e-mail confirmation to the college that everyone is still on the course, in order for our loans to be paid automatically into our accounts. Money that us students are dependant upon. If he doesn't do this, instead of a BACS payment, the payment arrives in the form of a cheque, and is sent to our registered address. Now for those of us who are living away for our placements, its going to be a right pain in the arts to go and collect it, right? Plus the fact that there's little time to pay one of these bad boys in during the week because, ironically we're all working for peanuts.

Our tutor has done this three times, once last year and then, last month and this month. At the most crucial time in our student life, he decides to fuck up- twice.

A fellow student was told the chief examiner was coming to observe her. Panic stricken, she phoned out tutor to tell him he was coming, so that he could offer her advice, maybe even know what day he was coming, time of visit etc. .. She phoned up and found out he had booked the day off and was busy watching Venus travel across the line of the sun, getting drunk at 8.30 in the fucking morning!

Now he can make time to look after himself, yet still fuck up and mess up everyone else lives by not arranging a so simple thing such as sending an e-mail! For fucks sake the man needs to go.

I like him, don't get me wrong, he's a nice chap. But he uses this niceness to cloud the fact that he is inept at his job. And it shows. Every student who has ever had him, be it teachers I've met who were in the same course a year above me, or other teachers who have heard of him, react in much the same way.

Its sickening.

(Sorry, this rant will end soon)

Also, one of the students on our course was FAILED yesterday, he was told that his placement scool had decided to fail him. Now this student is good, and I mean good. I went on interview with him, and he got the job in the end. But, he was failed. No word of warning, no areas for concern and imporvement- no, they didn't think his face fitted and he was given a real raw deal at his placement at school and they just said right at the very end- you've failed. 2 years, up in smoke...

Yet another student of our course, who blatantly laid out at the start of the course 2 years ago he was only doing this because he wanted to remain a student for as long as possible, and who began copying other students (students who didn't know any better) work in order to pass certain assignment, decided to take skiving to a whole new level. After getting a lift in the mornings to his placement school, he would simply walk away and not tun up to lesson. His day was spent in the knowledge that it had looked as though he had been ready to go to school but all the while he had taken the day off.

He did this for 2 weeks until the school phoned up and asked the college where he was. Upon being rumbled he went back to school, but carried on copying peoples work to get ahead. Now, the justice of this whole educational system has got to the point where a slimy bastard like the one described can pass whereas the other student failed for a matter that was probably only really a personal thing between a very grumpy tutor who just wanted to fail him for the hell of it. There's no-one regulating this kind of behaviour in teacher training- anyone tutor can pass or fail any student if they wanted to..

So.. the whole course have decided to write a letter, sign it, and hand it into the powers that be, because its gone way too far.

Which is why yesterday, with all of these matters accumulated, led to everyone very much disenchanted with the whole experience, or should I say, ordeal?

(Phew- thanks for listening!)

Lord on high would you look at the boy now...

Its been a good two fucking years, and I'm sorry to swear but christ I feel its shitting right to cuss at this point.. Two whole years of living without a regualr wage, two years of being teased, yes teased by your mates asking when you're going to get a new job, watching people carry on in life , living and getting paid as well, two years of doubt 50 % of the time, and more doubt the rest of the time..

Two years of having to work in schools as an observer and then as an unpaid lackey doing the job of a teacher who just sits down in the corner surfing the fucking internet while you teach their class, two years of financial oblivion, never knowing if your next loan payment will be paid into your account directly or if the college have messed up and sent a cheque to your home address.. two years of.. I could go on.

Well the whole point to this rant is to saaay, that this Thursday is the last day of unpaid dogsbody work for myself. Any work after this day will be paid and I will feel more like a teacher than a volunteer. I know it feels good, I can feel it already. And all I want to do now is to try and 'live' like anyone else.

Does this make me sound like I'm getting old? I suppose so, but I'm sick of moving about, of living my life out of a toilet bag. I've been doing that since November. I want to settle down now and begin 'living'.

.. Right.. thats the rant over with. Now, "Where the fuck have you been?" may have just escaped your lips, well, like most bloggers at this time of year I've been outside in the glorious sun. The act of blogging is usually a very indoorsy affair and therefore I think it does put a lot of people off, but anyway, I'm doing this at night when its just right to do so.

"What happened to your old site?"- I accidentally killed it, got mad and deleted it. Never matter, its like when a snake sheds its skin, I'm just peelin' baby.

"What have I been up to?"- travelling around the country, getting on with work, worrying about more work I need to do when I'm typing out my feckin' blog and generally lovin' it.

How is everyone else? Give me a sign there is love in the universe, tonight...

(And I haven't seen one episode of BB yet, trying to avoid the cursed programme)...

B x.